|
Pun Tax Blues by Lord Dunstan LeHeryngmongere words and music copyright 2004 by Keith Edward Nealson |
In the thirty eighth year of Anno Societatis His most dreaded excellency Rodrigo did declare That puns of all types would no longer be gratis A pun tax he would levy- now I ask- is that fair? You don’t tax the fighters for helms on their heads You don’t tax the seamstresses needle and thread The pun is a primary tool of the bard . . . Why you wanna go and make a bard’s life hard? CHORUS G D D G Please, Baron, Don’t throw me into the punitentiary C G A D Or else punnic stricken I will be and pundemonium we may see G D D G Such punishments promote treason- please make it o-pun season C G A D G Or punitive measures will bring us to the necessary use of...punnilingus. (Spoken) If you insist on taking our puns- please understand what you’re doing to us so many stories and songs to be sung that can’t be done without our lovable puns (like this one . . .) High on a hill at the monastery The monks in the garden were busy as bees So hard did they work on their plants and flowers- They didn’t pray or paint in their books of hours The leader of the holy sect didn’t like to see the prayers in neglect He prayed to Saint Hugh to stop their herbal desires Because only Hugh can prevent Florist Friars A bunch of old abandoned mills were bought And turned into a tourist spot Which German rich folks and their pets could stay and bark and swim and jump and play (And here is what the locals had to say) ‘Oh, the Mills are alive with the Hounds of Munich’ (Spoken) I asked big guy in armor to come talk you out of the tax levy, But I’m sure it won’t work. I drove the heavy to the levy, but the levy won’t die. A man in armor after a bout . . . Shot full of arrows with his tongue cut out Still alive but looking grim.... What kind of song do you sing about him? Silent Knight . . . Holy Knight To a river the army came . . . They knew they had to cross the same A very famous decision was made I’m sure that you’ve heard of it- Roe vs. Wade (spoken) Did you see the latest Tournaments illuminated? It has an article full of brief descriptions about famous dead people. It’s called Obituaries. Next issue they’re putting out a sequel called ‘Son of Obituaries’. (Chorus) Lady Delilah could fight like mad, Lost her left arm in a fight But still kept fighting and soon retired never having lost a fight. Her sword was in a museum stored With a plaque reading ‘One Handed Broads’ Sword’ (She later had a tryst with a famous fencer... They called it a sworded affair) Three dragon slayers sat down to talk One wandered off for a bit of a walk They heard a roar and a shriek of fright And said ‘I wonder what’s eating Sir Percy tonight?’ (Spoken)- You heard of the new pirate movie? It’s rated Rrrrrrrrr. . . So was the battle of Hastings . . . know why? Too much Saxon Violence. A man was in love with a lovely lass Who did not know that he existed- He went to three old withered hags To get magically assisted They gave him three magic pills And told him to bury them high in the hills Overlooking the place where she slept This he did and soon he crept Into her heart and into her life And soon enough he had a wife. The moral of this story will put your mind at rest- Is that nothin' says lovin' like something from the coven And pills buried says it the best. What did the boy sheep say to the girl sheep? "After ewe." If Jesus Christ liked Bubble gum Would you call him king of the chews? My favorite Greek orator, When I compare them all- was not Socrates- It was testicles, because man, that guy had OHHHHHHH (Chorus) |
|
Return
to Dunstan's Page |